For Russell, my father.

Everyone keeps telling me that I am handling the situation really well, way better than they could. For me, I never in a million years thought I would even be in this situation. Growing up, I never thought it would even be in any realm of possibility that I would be the girl whose dad died. It seems so harsh to put it like that, but I don't like saying "passed on" either. There doesn't seem to be a good way to describe what happened in my mind because I know I'll see him again.

I always heard stories when I was younger about how people had so many regrets with someone who had died. They didn't get to see them one last time, they didn't get to tell them they loved them, they didn't get to say those things they always meant to say. And it always seemed to make it harder for them to get on with their lives after it happened. Maybe that's the good thing with dying from an illness rather than abruptly. Sure, we didn't know when it would happen, but we had a heads up.

I remember my mom calling me and telling me he had gone downhill and how I should probably get back to Ohio as soon as I could. I was lucky enough to have people who cared about me being there so much, they bought me a plane ticket that night so I could be there the next day. I had amazing friends who drove me 4 hours to the airport at a moment's notice. I landed in Ohio and was driven straight to the hospital. My dad was so in and out at the end that you were never really sure if he knew what was happening around him, but he smiled when he saw me and he said my name.

I got to sit with him for a few hours and at one point I got to say my goodbye to him. I knew I wouldn't get another chance with him alone once the rest of my family came back and people kept coming to see him, so I said it more than 12 hours before he actually left. It's a moment I will never forget while I'm on this earth. I got to say everything to him that I always wanted to and that's way more than I could have ever asked for. But most importantly, I got to tell him I loved him. I knew he knew that, but I wanted him to hear it from me again.

One of the best moments from in the hospital was when some of ward family was visiting him. My brother Eric, my mom, and I were also in the room. My whole life, I always joked with my parents and would say, "We all know that I'm the favorite" and of course my siblings would laugh and disagree and my parents would just say, "We love all of our kids equally." Well, I made that joke again while we were in there, not knowing my dad could hear me. But he opened his eyes and looked at me and nodded his head. Of course, my brother Eric is still certain that my dad had no idea what I was saying, but I know that he meant it. Not to say my siblings aren't awesome, but come on. It's me :)

I was weirdly calm in the hospital. Maybe because I had feared this happening ever since we found out 2 years ago. Maybe I was deluding myself into thinking he would be okay even though I knew he wouldn't. Or maybe it was because I knew he had done what he needed to do here and he was needed elsewhere. I think I just knew it was time and I had made my peace with it.

The best part of the whole week in Ohio was that my whole family got to be together. Nieces and nephews that had never met got to meet. I got to see my mom. I got to see a lot of people who came to say goodbye and to support my family. Never had I felt more loved by so many people than during that week. It was just nice to be able to see all of my siblings back in Ohio again.

I will always remember my dad. I'll remember when I would call him Russell and he would say I was "dissin' him". I'll remember that time when he took me to the daddy/daughter dance when I was younger even after I lost my tooth that night and didn't want to go. I'll remember so so so many people telling me stories of how amazing my father was over and over again. I'll remember how he was a father to so many more people than just me and my siblings. I'll remember how much he loved my mother and how much he loved to have matching clothes with her. I'll remember how stubborn he was about so many things and how it frustrated me to the point of insanity. I'll remember his scrambled eggs in the morning. I'll remember how obnoxiously loud he laughed and how I pretended to hate it even though I loved it. I'll remember how he would make the WORST jokes and how they still made me laugh. I'll remember how he would only ever use his Twitter to tweet random weird things I said. I'll remember how he smelled when I would lean my head against his shoulder at church. I'll remember what a good dad and grandfather he was.

But most of all, I'll remember how he made it obvious everyday of my life that he loved me. 

I'm lucky. If it wasn't for my dad, I wouldn't have found my passion in life. He was the first one who ever showed me how to edit a video I had to make for a class. After I started making videos at college, it was the one time in my life I felt overwhelming pride from him for me. I always knew he was proud of me, but that is one time in my life I could almost physically feel it. I even had started to teach him how to edit videos better after taking my classes in college. I'm lucky because I found what I love to do and every time I do it, I get to feel close to him. A lot of people can't say the same thing.

My dad was the best person I ever met and I can't wait to see him again. I love you!


P.s. - Don't worry, dad. I'll always be your little monkey.