Crazy how times flies, right? I've been busy having fun here at college, not thinking about things too deeply for fear that I would fall face first into the grieving process - I don't truly think I would be strong enough to get back out if I did. I saw how all of my family was right after my dad died in October but I decided subconsciously to be the strong one. I think I knew that eventually, it'd be impossible for it not to come out, but I've been trying to preoccupy myself with other things so as not to think of it. I got through Thanksgiving and Christmas and the New Year without completely falling apart so I thought I could escape grief's seemingly inevitable grasp. But there was one thing that I never thought about - my birthday.
I turn 21 in a week. Super exciting, am I right? Now I've never been one for birthdays because I always seemed to build up how it would be in my naive head and then when it didn't reach my impossible standards, I was disappointed with the outcome. In spite of all of that, the one thing I could count on was a phone call from my parents singing me "Happy Birthday" and the promise that we would go to Red Robin when I came home from college.
As I was laying in bed tonight, sincerely attempting to fall asleep, I had a vague memory of a saved voicemail on my phone from my last birthday. Sure enough, I had saved the voicemail that was left on my phone a year ago, pretty late on the night before my birthday. My parents are both groggily singing "Happy Birthday" to me with my dad improvising "it's 1 in the morning and we're wishing you a happy birthday" at the end. Hearing his voice end the call with "I love you, byeeeee!" totally did it to the wall I had put up to defend myself from grief and I just started crying (and here I am, writing this sad blog post at 4 AM).
Before all of this, I had just finished rereading The Fault in Our Stars by John Green. I read TFIOS once right after I bought it last summer. I loved it and it was sad, but I didn't fully understand a lot of it until I reread it today. One of my favorite lines in the book is,
"Grief does not change you, Hazel. It reveals you."
I absolutely love this quote. Grief isn't a bad thing. I believe that grief is our soul mourning the loss of another soul that touched our lives so deeply. A good friend told me right after my dad's passing, "right now you feel numb. After a couple of months, that will go away and it is then that it will hit you full on." I didn't understand what exactly she meant until today. (Apparently, today was a great to for self-realization)
I could definitely look at his death in a negative light because my father will never get to see me do a lot of things. He'll never get to see me turn 21, 30, 42, etc; he'll never get to see me graduate college, get a job, get married, have kids, follow my dreams, and so much more.
I prefer (and I know that he'd expect nothing less) to look on the positive side. He did get to see my birth, see me grow up from a crazy kid to a moody teenager to a somewhat better young woman; he got to see me graduate high school and attend college, and he's the one who helped me discover my passion in life.
Despite my overall positive way of thinking, it's easy to get caught up in grief on days like my birthday. "Pain demands to be felt" (another awesome TFIOS quote). Some days will be easier than others. I've been pretty good at making sure I don't have any bad days ever since October. It's exhausting pretending you're always totally okay though. Sometimes, pain truly does demand to be felt and it's impossible to not feel it at some point.
While my dad won't be calling me this year (or any other year) to goofily sing me "Happy Birthday," I know that I have such an awesome family that will do it instead. It'll never get easier, just more bearable to move past it and continue living.
Thanks for the call last year, Dad. I'm lucky that I will still get to hear you sing to me every year with your award-winning witty twist to the birthday song forever on my voicemail.
I love you.
***If you haven't read The Fault in Our Stars by John Green, I cannot recommend it enough.***
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